not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
