I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
