The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
