My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
