Just fell off a train. Bad.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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