Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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