I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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