I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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