Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Boobs are out for the taking
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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