i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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