apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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