Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
