Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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