Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
