Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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