He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
