i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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