Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
