No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
