Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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