Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
