I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
