My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
