Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
