does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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