Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
