i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
only if we run a train.
done.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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