He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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