Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
