I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
