Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is the high leading the old right now
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
