The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
