I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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