Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish I could punch you in the face.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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