she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
