I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
