I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
