the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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