I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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