My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
