1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
