I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
