I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
