My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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