Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
