i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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