There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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