My hand turned me down
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
