Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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