Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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