Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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