Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
