WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
