First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
